In this Journey, I have I have just learned an incredible amount of myself. One of the many things that has really stuck out to me is that I’ve been an addict. If you replace the classic things alcoholics say about needing a drink you could easily replace it with food. “I’ve had a hard day at work, I want a drink [some comfort food] to calm me down”, “I’ve been super stressed lately, I just need a drink [a bite of something tasty] to calm my nerves”. It really is the same thing, although the addictions ruin lives in completely different ways.
Furthermore, throughout this journey I have had to grieve the impending loss of my relationship with food. I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food for the better part of the last 26 years. Ending this relationship with food has also been a similar experience to dealing with grief: I know, it sounds silly, but hear me out:
- Denial: “I’m not that fat. I still look acceptable. If I really wanted to get healthy I would at any time”. I also call this my “beer goggles” phase. I have refused to see the situation for what it has truly been. This is why I’ve been obese for the entirety of my adult life.
- Anger: “Fuck! Why did I allow myself to get like this?! I hate myself and the choices I’ve made.”In my case, I have also been almost angry at myself for being so weak to have to resort to surgery. I know this isn’t true, but I know I’m not the only one who’s had that thought.
- Bargaining: “Well, maybe if I just really stick to keto this time I won’t need the surgery.” Let’s just ignore the fact that I’ve been trying to lose weight my whole life. Seriously, I was overweight since I was probably in the 1st grade. I’ve gone through stages where I’ve tried to convince myself I don’t need it this surgery: Truth is, I DO need it and that’s OK. Not everyone will have to resort to surgery, and that’s ok too. In my case, I need surgical intervention.
- Depression: Similar to the anger stage, just more sad about it, this one goes without saying.
- Acceptance: OK, I need to do this. Yes, I have allowed myself to get here, but at least I’m really going to do something about it this time. My current lifestyle has been unsustainable, and is slowly killing me. I cannot sugarcoatof how obesity WILL kill me. Fat is not fabulous, and changes must be made before my excessive weight will harm me even more. However, there also won’t be a next time if I commit myself to my new tool.
See! Each apply perfectly. Please tell me I’m not alone in this?!
Regardless, thanks to my Instagram family, and all you wonderful people I have been staying away from the Anger and Depression phases, and I’ve been happily in the Acceptance phase, and that’s OK! Hating yourself is really just a complete waste of time and energy as it accomplishes nothing. Also, seeing everyone progress and transformation have made this process so much easier, and I want to thank each and every one of you for sharing your journey. I really can’t wait to share mine: 3 classes left and then I can go to my surgeon for my referral, I can’t wait!!